How Not To Write, Direct & Act Horror

This clip from the wonderful Troll 2 just about sums it up:



Hunt down this film at all costs: I had the pleasure of viewing it with company on Saturday night, and I haven't laughed so much in quite a while. It is gloriously bad. On the other hand, if you can't be bothered to locate it, here's a ten-minute montage of the most preposterous moments:

26 comments:

David Lemon said...

Great to see this lost masterpiece-I'm assuming it's a Garth Marenghi Production (inassociationwithdeanlerner)?
I kept expecting to see B Movie God Charles Napier in the mix, but this was mighty fine. However my heart will always belong to 'Hawk The Salyer'('See How it Glows!')

David Lemon said...

Er, that should be 'Slayer'.
Curse my big masculine fingers...

Jason Arnopp said...

Ah yes, Hawk The Slayer. I'm long overdue a re-watch of that sword 'n' sorcery gem.

Piers said...

Hawk the Slayer / Krull double-bill anyone?

Robin Kelly said...

Here's the fan-site of the movie.

Rob Stickler said...

"VOLTAN! You will die for this."

Piers said...

Some people I used to know were involved in a pitch to get a Hawk The Slayer TV series off the ground a few years back.

Sadly (?) it never happened.

David Lemon said...

I trust the Elven Mind sword was kept for the pitch? I drew it countless times when I was 7 and briefly thought it cooler than a lightsaber.
Was I ever that young...?

Lucy said...

They were supposed to be eating a person? Looked like crepe paper to me. And a bit of slime. Which if you want to split hairs makes a perfectly fine meal. Actually.

And this is not as good as other splended B movies like:

The Lobster Man From Mars (The ledge that is Billy Barty)

Attack of the Killer Piranhas (James Cameron's debut I believe)

but best of all:

Return of The killer Tomatoes (George Clooney at his finest, forget Michael Clayton)

Piers said...

Luce:

No, you're thinking of Piranha II - Flying Killers, in which (thanks to a toxic spill of some description or another) the deadly Piranha from the first movie grow wings. And ATTACK!

Piranha was actually Joe Dante's debut as director.

Piers said...

David: Yes. It was.

Lucy said...

Piers, I should have known you would know!!!

No wonder I couldn't find it on bloody IMDB.

And Joe Dante - isn't he the voice of the squeaky penguin in Toy Story 2?

Lucy said...

And now I think of it, why are none of you obsessive bastards languishing in the comments section of my SF post today??

Hmmmmmmm?

I even post SPECIFIC spoilers for you Jase, you whiny git. and it's Minority Report and Impostor I've spoilered and you're all *bound* to have seen those surely??????

;)

Jason Arnopp said...

Madam, I'm loving the fact you've returned to specific spoilers. But bizarrely, I've never even HEARD of Impostor. I know, I know... I'm sure it marks me out as a twazzock...

Piers said...

It's a new one on me, too.

Lucy said...

Impostor is brilliant and has Gary Sinise and Vincent D'Onofrio in, you fool. It's the same sbasic tory as Minority Report but different (haven't revealed the twist in my post) and for some bizarre reason went straight to DVD, possibly because of Minority Report. I have it on DVD, I will lend it to you.

And the penguin in Toy Story 2 was voiced by Joe Ranft.

I'm really going this time.

Jason Arnopp said...

I think you've made it up, Luce, to make me and Piers think we're going mad. Impostor is... wait for it, drum roll please, this'll be great, you'll love this... an impostor!

Lucy said...

It exists: check this out. Some nice photos, but watch out for spoilers you big girl's blouse.

Rob Stickler said...

My Mum recommended Imposter to me some time ago, although I've still yet to watch it.

Make of this what you will.

Rob Stickler said...

Yes, I can spell Impostor thank you. I was too busy thinking in italics...

Oli said...

Me and the girlfriend have now taken to saying "Oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood" at trivial things. Hopefully this will soon stop.

Jason Arnopp said...

Oli's saying it to his girlfriend.

And now he's saying it to me.

Ohhhh myyyyyyy GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...

Oli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
james henry said...

You know there's going to be a remake of TROLL? Based purely, as far as I can, on the fact that the main character's name is 'Harry Potter'. This being well before the other Potter books came out, this can lay honest claim to being the first Harry Potter film.

Actually, I quite like the idea of a character being chased by trolls who can't go to the authorities, because it sounds like he's taking the piss.

james henry said...

...even after the trolls thing, I mean.

Oli said...

J. K. Rowling's famous for saying that Harry Potter came into her head 'fully formed' on a train journey.

Fully formed, looking much like the 12 year old bespectacled wizard from The Books of Magic, with a name from Troll, and a life from Tom Brown's School Days.

I wouldn't mind, but she's being a bit of a dick about that Lexicon of Harry Potter book.