Childishness Ahoy

I just received an e-mail from a Dr John Plainville, approaching me with a remarkable business opportunity. He needs to transfer 10 million dollars into my account.

"I will not fail to inform you," the good doctor tells me, "that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as gratification, while 60% will be for me."

Four million dollars! That's incredible. So I wrote back to Dr Plainville (whose e-mail address is, in case any spammers need a new address to send stuff to) thusly:

Dear John,

Thank you so much for coming to me with this opportunity!

I'd be delighted to take part - who could refuse four million dollars, after all? Where do we start? What do we do next?

Oh no, hold on, wait a minute. I've changed my mind. I'm funny like that. So go fuck yourself, you utter cunt.

Best wishes,


Yes, I know, it's childish, and replying to spammers begets more spam. But it made me laugh. Laughter's good, no?


Helen Smith said...

Laughter's very good.

Most strangers contact me via the internet with advice about ways to enlarge my penis. They never offer me money. Perhaps the one thing follows the other and they will not offer money until they are completely satisfied with the size of the recipient's penis? In which case I congratulate you, as you must have passed the first hurdle, so to speak.

Lucy said...

Omigod, I too am offered creams, pills and bizarre treatments in order to enlarge MY penis too, Helen. In fact, several times a day I am invited to give my girlfriend a better time in the sack with my throbbing member, often by German Spammers. The urge to write back with "I'm happy with my wiener" in the subject line is sometimes too great.

Phill Barron said...

No one offers me any penis enlargement gear - perhaps I'm beyond hope?

Good Dog said...

Oh, that's bit disrespectful...

Really, you should have begun the email "Dear Dr John".

Anyway, I'm using that last line for my Christmas cards. Brilliant.

Deaf Brown Trash Punk said...

hahahaha. God I hate getting those spam emails.

Dan Turner said...

No-one ever offers me a penis enlargement.
Because my reputation precedes me, and the offer, therefore, is largely academic.

I do find myself propositioned by potential Russian brides however.
Maybe I should accept, and then murder them for their internal organs. Thus selling them back to the black market?

Eleanor said...

Only 10 million? What a cheapskate!

Chip Smith said...

If you've got half an hour to spare, is well worth a look (it's where scammers like yours get scammed themselves)...

John Soanes said...

Did Dr Plainville get his qualification from the same place as Gillian 'just a bit too too keen to see poo in a box' McKeith?