The screenwriting community was ROCKED to its very core this morning, with the revelation that many writers’ personal journals and notes have been FREELY POSTED on the internet in the form of so-called “blogs”. The scandal is believed to have begun when a hard disk drive containing private musings disappeared from a Writers’ Guild van on Boxing Day. Cyber-criminals then posted these online. In effect, some shocked writers have had personal material from the whole of 2007 - and in some cases beyond - published online, against their wishes.
“I literally cannot believe this has happened,” weeps Bournemouth’s Danny Stack, one of the main victims whose work is now visible here. “I was in the process of putting together a great book, full of advice about screenwriting and script-reading in the UK, which would’ve been entitled Screenwriting & Script-Reading In The UK. But now, someone’s gone and posted the lot, for all to see. As if I’d voluntarily hand over all that information and help for free!” In protest, Stack added, he was planning to grow a beard, then shave it OFF again.
Robin Kelly and Lianne Rooney similarly lament the publication of their extensive data, which they had assembled purely for their OWN use. Kelly regularly compiled lists of newly-released Hollywood movies, well-chosen interview quotes and various handy information. In the summer of 2007, Kelly wrote a multi-part Red Planet Guide document, solely in order to pep himself up for the competition. “I feel bad for Robin,” says Rooney. “And now, everyone can also see my handy list of screenwriting dates, which means other people can go for these opportunities too! That was never, ever the intention.”
For other scribes, the outrageous leak means EMBARRASSING details of their lives being revealed to MILLIONS. Mother-of-one Lara Greenway has been “devastated” to learn that her brutally frank account of her child “farting a poo at me during a 4am nappy change” is now in the public domain. Father-of-none Jason Arnopp is presently under SEDATION, having learnt of the publication of diary entries about being the only person to turn up to a pitch event with a mood board; running around on beaches in women’s sandals; and locking himself in his own flat. Lucy Vee has vowed to “KILL these low-down thieving bastards with an egg whisk”, after personal memos titled I Am A Bad Mother, How To Write An Ode To A Dog... and Talking Dirty became accessible to complete strangers, all shot through with innuendo and EXPLICITLY SEXUAL content.
“I’m gutted,” shrieks Doctor Who/Torchwood writer James Moran. “Not only will people now see that I’m OBSESSED with the Amazon chart placements of Severance on DVD, and how PISSED UP I got at the Fantasporto festival, but they’ll be able to read about my preposterous attempts to pack up my flat in one single day. And even see a picture of all my junk in boxes! I feel totally violated, and shit.” As does prolific keyboard-smith Phillip Barron, who mewls thusly: “My journals were a steam-venting exercise for me, me and only me. They were jampacked with PROFANITY, bad temper and general abuse. When you meet me in person, I’m a lovely, amiable smiley-bloke, because of those writings. They were essentially self-help tools, and now any old fucking prick can see them. Nyarrrgh!”
South London scribbler Piers Beckley clearly had the right idea. During July 2007, he took the precaution of ENCRYPTING at least two of his journal entries. “Being technologically minded,” he whispers, “I could see this shit-storm a-brewing. So I thought that if I wrote things that only I would understand – like Oh Hai, I Can Has Turing-Complete? and of course The Correct Answer Is: "A Threesome" – then I’d escape scot-free. And by God it worked like a charm.”
Other unfortunate revelations about not-so-Nostradamian script-jockeys include Oliver Jeffery’s crippling roleplaying ADDICTION; a video of Dominic Carver’s new study, filmed by a baboon; Potdoll’s gratuitous use of the word “ACEFACE”; David Bishop being a supernatural ROBOT from the planet Brilliantus Efficiencus; Andy Pillock’s account of a man who regularly takes his cat to the PUB; Martin Adams taking a job as a cab driver solely in order to HARRANGUE screenwriting celebs like William Nicholson; Good Dog not actually liking Doctor Who at all; and Stuart Perry’s alcohol-induced invention of “John Barrowman’s Bumming Carousel”. As we went to press, a spokesperson for the reclusive Perry couldn’t confirm or deny that this is also the title of his top-secret film script, currently in development.