Showing posts with label Doctor Who Magazine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctor Who Magazine. Show all posts

Barry Newbery's Big Doctor Who Day Out

Back through the Time Vortex in 2007, I had the pleasure of writing a Doctor Who Magazine feature which covered designer Barry Newbery’s visit to Cardiff’s Upper Boat Studios, where Doctor Who was then being made.  Between 1963 and 1984, Barry worked on more episodes of classic Doctor Who than any other designer, starting with the very first story, An Unearthly Child.  On the day of our studio tour, the man was great fun and the experience was enhanced by the ever-galvanising presence of one Russell T Davies.

This week, I was very sorry to learn, courtesy of a DWM tribute feature, that Barry passed away in February 2015 at the age of 88.  Here, to commemorate his 2007 reconnection with the show to which he made such a big contribution, is that DWM feature of mine, with the original side panel incorporated into the main text.  To help put you in the picture chronologically, Series Three of New Who was airing at the time of our visit, so the ending with the Titanic smashing through the TARDIS wall was top-secret (but wasn’t by the time this feature hit the magazine.)  I’m pretty sure a couple of the pictures here, which I took myself, have never been seen before…

Barry Newbery and Russell T Davies at Upper Boat, 2007
“GORGEOUS, ISN'T IT?” Russell T Davies hoots rhetorically.  He swats aside the yellow police-style tape which stretches across the TARDIS’ entrance and strides aboard. “Every time I walk on this set, I just love it.”

No, Russell hasn’t randomly decided to show DWM the TARDIS set for the 23rd time: he has even more special guests in tow. Chief among them is one Barry Newbery. This legendary 80-year-old served on 74 episodes of Doctor Who right from its 1963 birth, making sporadic contributions across each of the first five Doctor’s tenures, ending with 1984’s two-parter The Awakening. Among the stories on his remarkable resumĂ© are The Aztecs (1964), The Ark (1966), The Gunfighters (1966), Doctor Who and the Silurians (1970) and The Brain of Morbius (1976).

So when Barry’s daughter Jo wrote to BBC Wales, saying that this design-god thinks the new show is “bloody marvellous” and would love to see the new series’ production base, Russell and co were only too happy to extend the invitation. Jo’s come along to Cardiff’s Upper Boat Studios for the ride, as has Barry’s wife Zena.

It’s March 15 2007, and the TARDIS is looking… untidy. The floor’s littered with dust and rubble. Blame the Titanic (oh, do you realise how nice it is to finally be able to write about that Top Secret Ending? Do you?)

“Terrible things have happened at the end of this series’ final episode,” Russell explains to Barry, “which no-one’s allowed to breathe a word about! Right now, it looks like it’s been sitting here since 1963. Waiting for you, Barry. Waiting for you!”

“Are these hoses for steam?” asks the designer, pointing at some TARDIS tubing.
“Some of them are,” says Russell. “Others have lights inside.”

Barry smiles. “I remember an actor dressed as a monk accidentally getting steam up his robes from a hose like that! I went rushing down, trying to seal up this hose which had broken off.”

“That must’ve been The Time Meddler,” grins Russell, loving it.

Barry stabs the air with a forefinger. “That’s the one!”


FORTY-FOUR YEARS after Doctor Who launched into production, some aspects of the show’s creation remain constant. Designers are still key: without them deciding how the writer’s words will actually look onscreen, a major part of the production process is missing. Yet as Barry gazes around the cavernous TARDIS set – a couple of metres higher since its 2006 move from Newport, fellow fact-gannets - he can see how things have changed.

“Well, we could never have done something like this,” he admits. “Thing is, this TARDIS *stays* here. All our sets had to be broken down and
stored. It meant that we had half a day to assemble everything. Everything was lightweight, because it had to be moved about with ropes and pulleys. It took four men to move the central column, which did slow things down.”

“Quite a lot of sets are fixed these days, like Coronation Street,” says Russell. “The Rovers always stays in place.”

“Sometimes we used the TARDIS interior twice,” reveals Barry. “We’d push the console away and put another set inside.”

He’s quick to point out that he didn’t actually design the original TARDIS control room. That honour fell to Peter Brachacki (“We called him Bracket because it was easier to say”), who would also toil on Blake’s 7. After Peter worked on Doctor Who’s pilot episode, Barry took over as designer, adopting an ‘If it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ attitude. “When I remade the TARDIS control room for An Unearthly Child, it was a case of man-hours and keeping costs down, so it didn’t have the degree of work that Pete’s had. Bits of it got dumped because they were too heavy – very exotic but too heavy. So then we had three walls, including the one with the door. And we shot in Lime Grove’s Studio D - one of the smallest studios in the building!”

Russell broaches the subject of another Doctor Who gem, albeit one sadly missing from the BBC’s archives. “You did Marco Polo, didn’t you? So sad that it was lost. It looks gorgeous in the telesnaps.”

“Yes,” says Barry, “it would have been wonderful if they’d still got Marco Polo because I was really pleased with that. I remember having this fish tank with water running down into another big tank with goldfish in it and lovely leaves. But it wasn’t seen on camera!”

“Directors, eh?” tuts Russell. “Oh well. They’ll find Marco Polo one day, in an old footlocker. It would be glorious to see it now. So do you prefer the historical ones to the futuristic?”

“Oh yes. I was always able to get my head around technical things, but all that stuff is boring, isn’t it? I like people doing things. Living. Which they did, in the historical stories.”

The new series of Doctor Who, of course, tends to root itself in the present.

“Yes,” considers Russell, “whereas the old show almost never did the present-day.”

“The Dalek Invasion of Earth did present-day with the Daleks going over Westminister Bridge,” notes Barry. “But how did they get over the steps and things?”

“They flew, Barry! They could always fly – we just never saw it.”

Barry shakes his head. “I have no idea how they do those amazing computer graphics.”

“Me neither, really!” shrugs Russell. “I just know who does it, and what it costs. It’s like another world, isn’t it? I was watching some flying Daleks this morning, for Evolution Of The Daleks. Beautiful.”

He gestures off the TARDIS set. “Shall we take a look at the Hub?”


Torchwood's Hub (BBC publicity shot)
TORCHWOOD'S BASE of operations, a mere stroll away, is as impressive as ever, despite presently being in a state of renovation. The level of detail remains highly impressive – right down to those utterly realistic polystyrene bricks in the walls. “This is the main precinct. And that’s the team’s board room up there,” says Russell, pointing. “Newly restored, because it was destroyed by a monster.”

Upper Boat’s resident art department production manager, Jonathan Allison, arrives to greet Barry and family, noting, “We were very lucky with the Torchwood set: we had a lot of preparation. We started work on it in January 2006 and we were filming at the beginning of May. Because it would be high definition, we knew you’d be able to see every detail.”

“When we see it on screen,” adds Russell. “It’s all very wet, with water running down. I really want it to be flooded. Can we do that yet?”

Jonathan smiles and shakes his head.

“Ahhh come on,” goads Russell. “We can just use some big strong men with buckets!” He turns to Barry: “The one thing that’s a nigtmare for computer graphics is water. In Hollywood it’s easy, but for us it’s a nightmare. Every week I come in and say, ‘Can we flood this?’ and The Mill go, ‘No!’ Eventually, someone will create a bit of software which will make it cheap…”

What did Barry make of Torchwood?
”I didn’t watch it,” he says, with that wonderful bluntness which eight decades on this planet earns you. “But I’d like to see it now.”

Russell, Barry and DWM climb some steps, to an upper walkway. It’s surprisingly far from ground level.

“What did you think,” wonders Russell, “when they handed you that first Doctor Who script? Did you think, ‘They’re having a bleedin’ laugh?’”

“I was never ever critical of a script,” says Barry. “It was my job to put it onscreen and make it work in a studio. It was a problem to be solved. So I would look and it and think, ‘How can I do this?’ With that first story, bones were easy enough to get hold of, but skulls weren’t. Someone came up with the idea of vacuforming them. We set about getting art students to make heads.”

Some skulls in a cave, yesterday
“And The Cave Of Skulls was born,” smiles Russell. ”Where are those students now? ‘My skull was once on Doctor Who’, they’ll say.”

Barry joined the BBC in 1959, with a background in exhibition design. He worked in an adjacent office to up-and-coming film-maker Ridley Scott who he “didn’t talk to much, as he seemed to be a very busy man”.

“Back when you started,” says Russell, “designing must’ve been quite a rare job, nationwide. You were quite elite, weren’t you?”

“I suppose we were. We had a tremendous build-up of different talents. I worked as an assistant for seven years – that’s how everyone learnt how to be a designer. You couldn’t do a course. After I retired, I did a bit of art-school teaching for people who wanted to work in television design, but it’s difficult. They’ve got to understand how a studio works and how scenery goes together.”

“When did you retire, Barry?”

“1984. I was 57-and-a-half.”

“And did you miss it?”

”No. I was on holiday from then on!”


WE LEAVE TORCHWOOD – sadly not through the big circular door – and head outside. Passing the Blue Box cafĂ© (no, really – it’s blue and everything), we enter another studio. Here, a huge set from The Sound of Drums and Last of the Time Lords is slowly being dismantled.

“This was the Valiant!” announces Russell. “Great big aircraft carrier type thing. And over there is a flying car from the Year Five Billion. The VW of its time.”

“I shall take your word for it,” chuckles Barry.

“I could be making it up,” admits Russell. “Actually, this set’s the moonbase! But no, the Valiant is beautiful. Perhaps our finest yet. Shall we have a look at the Daleks in their little room?”

Needless to say, we do. Inside a glass-fronted store-room, we mingle with three dormant exterminators.

“Like they’re looking at you, isn’t it?” says Russell. “It’s the same design, really. We didn’t drastically change it.”

“Ray Cusick, who designed them,” notes Barry, “got £130 from management for contribution to BBC. Terry Nation became a millionaire.”

“But poor old Terry died first,” says Russell. “What would you rather have? So was The Daleks’ Masterplan a fun one to work on?”

”I did the second half,” says Barry. “There were elements in it which I quite liked: when the TARDIS landed on the volcano. And when Daleks went to Egypt. I had to make scaffolding for Egyptians to climb all over.”

“Marvellous,” beams Russell. “Now, let’s leave the masters of Skaro!”

Being a designer, was Barry gagging for the advent of colour TV?

“Well, we did design in colour,” he says, “So that both we and the actors knew what we were doing. Black-and-white actually helped me out, because I could use a green settee and a red settee and they’d look right, because they were both the same colour! I believe ITV often only used greys. That would’ve been terribly boring.”

On the way to the next store-room, Barry pulls off a remarkable coup – he momentarily forgets Russell’s name and gets away with it. Men have died for less!

This chamber’s a beauty – it’s full of masks and bits of monster. Scarecrows, Judoon, Cybermen, you name it. Barry picks up a Clockwork Droid mask from The Girl in the Fireplace. “That’s quite a smile, isn’t it,” he admires. “Malevolent. Trying to design creatures like all of these would terrify me. I never did anything like that.”


Barry with Jonathan Allison
THE TOUR COMPLETE, it’s cups of tea all 'round as Barry and co settle in Doctor Who’s art department offices. Russell bids everyone a fond farewell, then is forced to dash off for one of his myriad exec producer duties. Production designer Edward Thomas is unfortunately in the middle of moving house and is waiting for a skip, but Jonathan holds the fort admirably, leafing through some concept designs for a fascinated Barry.

“Our designs were never particularly complicated,” says the older man, “because we never had enough time. I’d have four weeks to design and draw each episode, and I’d be working on four episodes simultaneously. Then there’d have to be time for the actual filming itself. Every new thing we did was a challenge.”

“You don’t know what you’re designing from one script to the next, do you,” Jonathan enthuses. 

“Torchwood’s great, but you’re spending a lot of time in the Hub. With Doctor Who, the TARDIS is your only standing set and that’s it.”

While Barry’s Upper Boat tour obviously highlighted differences in production over the years, did he notice anything familiar?

“Nothing! Walking onto the Torchwood set was the closest I got to real scenery – the sort we had in the studio. Mind you, we never had it quite as well-finished and detailed, because we didn’t need to. It would’ve been wasted on those early cameras.”

DWM would naturally be remiss if we didn’t drag a little behind-the-scenes gossip from this great man – especially given his straight-talking candour. The finest anecdote we uncover concerns 1977’s wonderful The Invisible Enemy.

“I enjoyed that - the one where the Doctor went into his own bloodstream. [Visual effects designer] Ian Scoones handled the interior brain, with all the synapses for them to walk through. The director Derrick Goodwin wasn’t very good, though. He was making a real pig’s ear of it.”

“No-one really knew what was going on, with this Colour Separation Overlay business,” explains Jonathan. “That technology was very new and hadn’t really been used before.”

“I was with costume designer Ray Hughes, watching all this happen,” remembers Barry. “He was pouring me great big glasses of gin, because I’d finished. So I ended up going to the control room and taking over! I said to the production assistant, ‘Can you get them to move a bit to their right now?’. I did it all, because I was pissed. So that was great fun. Sadly, I gave Ray all the sketches I did for it. And I never got ‘em back!”

We start talking about the Doctors of Barry’s time. “William Hartnell was the best Doctor Who,” praises Barry. “A great actor. One of his stories I enjoyed working on was The Gunfighters, although it didn’t half get a canning! I wrote to Yale University and asked if they had any photographs of Tombstone. They sent me a pile, which someone later nicked! That street outside the bar looked so very long because the scenic artist who painted it was superb. I tried to make The Gunfighters look like what I’d always seen on film: the classic western. Because that’s what it needed. I remember the lighting man walking down the street in a stetson and spurred boots, getting into the feel of it! He’d been to America…”

Of all the stories Barry worked on, does he harbour a sneaky favourite?

The Masque Of Mandagora: splendid purple robes 
"Looking back, the one which possibly gave me the most pleasure was The Masque of Mandragora, in terms of how successful I’d been. To actually build a 15th Century palace and decorate it in the way [the Venetian painter] Carpaccio did it? Lovely. Was it in colour?”

It certainly was, sir. Splendid purple robes and all.

“There was a lake we used at Port Merrion,” he continues. “A very nice place to walk around. On the edge of the lake, I built a pedestal with a Greek frieze on top. One local fellow said to me, ‘Oh, wonderful. Can you leave it there?’”

1976’s Fourth Doctor story The Masque of Mandragora introduced the TARDIS’ second control room, as designed by Barry. It boasted wood-panelling, with a central console surrounded by brass railings. “You know, I could run the TARDIS just as easily from here as I could from the old one,” the Doctor told companion Sarah Jane Smith in the story. “Come to think of it, this *is* the old one.”

Explains Barry: “The show’s producer, Philip Hinchcliffe, said he thought we ought to have a new TARDIS. So I designed that one and it appeared for a few stories. It was very much in a gothic style. Jules Verne was the main influence there, and his story 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. It wasn’t too expensive to build, as I was very careful not to waste money. I may even have used one of the walls from the old TARDIS!”

Barry shrugs when asked how he felt when the original console room reappeared seven serials later, in The Invisible Enemy. “If that’s what they want to do, that’s what they do. You can’t get upset about it. Some designers got cross with their directors, calling them little bastards!”

Barry Newbery (1927-2015)
He adds: “A while back, someone wanted to rebuild that control room: they were opening up a new resort. So I did all the drawings again. It all fell through, but if anyone else wants to rebuild it, I’ve still got these drawings!”

So, as the time comes for The Travelling Newberys to drive back for London’s Clapham Common, how’s the mainman enjoyed his Upper Boat visit?

“It’s been wonderful. I’m very glad I came. It was nice to see the inside of the TARDIS, even though it had been partly blown up. I’d seen it already so much onscreen and things always look enhanced on the tube, so it was a bit of disappointment, in that it wasn’t as brilliant and glittery as it is on the screen. But that’s the magic of TV. And the finish on the Torchwood set was superb.”

What has continued to attract Barry Newbery to Doctor Who – even decades after he laboured on it?

“I enjoyed all my Doctor Who stories,” he says without hesitation. “I consider them all something to be proud of.  So why wouldn’t you continue to enjoy it, whether you’re working on it or not?”

* * *



Demons Unleashed!


Festive greetings!

Over the last week, on and off, I've been working on a blog about My Writing Year. This will emerge in that glorious limbo between Boxing Day and New Year's Day. Right now, though, just wanted to stop by and issue the aforementioned greetings, while quacking about Doctor Who: The Demons Of Red Lodge And Other Stories.

While audio production company Big Finish's release date for this - and the one which remains on Amazon - was December 31, it transpired that both CD and download became available this week. This was a nicely surprisingly early Christmas present. So, what is The Demons Of Red Lodge...?

It's an audio anthology featuring four self-contained 25-minute stories. Each stars Peter Davison as the Doctor and Sarah Sutton as companion Nyssa, along with various supporting cast members. Due to the clever co-ordination of our brilliant script editor Alan Barnes, the tales enjoy the odd link while being completely and utterly different from each other. Why, the whole thing's like some kind of Christmas selection box.

The Demons Of Red Lodge...'s
beautiful Big Finish CD sleeve
I wrote The Demons Of Red Lodge itself. It sees the Doctor and Nyssa waking up in a woodshed in 17th Century Suffolk, terrified without knowing why or being able to remember how they got there.

The second story, The Entropy Composition, was written by Rick Briggs who won a Big Finish competition this year, and takes the novel approach of involving prog rock in the proceedings.

Doing Time was penned by my friend and fellow blogger William Gallagher (pictured above with some pointy bloke with a shiny ring, in the very depths of Big Finish HQ), who came up with the solid-gold genius idea of putting the Doctor in prison. For a year.

The collection is splendidly rounded out by lovely John Dorney's Special Features which takes the form of a faux DVD commentary in which the Doctor is one of the speakers. Remarkable, funny stuff. Dorney is annoyingly multi-talented: the man also acts in, I believe, three of the stories, including mine.

As I say in journo Dan Berry's preview piece in the current Christmas edition of Doctor Who Magazine, I was rather channelling The Blair Witch Project in my story. Mainly in terms of the atmosphere, of course - but also in terms of the rising panic of people in that situation.

Joshua Leonard in The Blair
Witch Project  (1999)
The Blair Witch Project is one of my favourite horror films. There, I’ve said it. Unfortunately, the 1999 delight really polarises people. This is largely, I reckon, because its US-based hype led to it becoming a glorified test of how tough people were in other territories: the cinematic equivalent of a vindaloo. Most folks then became determined not to let it burn them.

I also like combining things. So I wanted to see what would happen if I dropped the Fifth Doctor – the most fragile and vulnerable of them all – into Blair Witch territory, with scary woods, no compass, no short-term memory and no TARDIS. What if he woke up scared in darkness, in the middle of nowhere, alongside an even more petrified Nyssa? Without even a Blair Witch-esque legend to pin his imagination to, the Doctor would have no idea of the nature or magnitude of the threat he’s facing or even a recollection of where or when he is.

That’s the initial premise of The Demons Of Red Lodge. The Doctor, afraid in the dark, without even knowing why he’s afraid. He and Nyssa have nothing to fear but fear itself. Or do they? Little did I know, however, the extent to which Peter and Sarah seized that opportunity and made it all look so effortless in the studio, aided and abetted by top-notch director Ken Bentley. (Susan Kyd is also great in two roles here and it was also lovely to have a contribution from Duncan Wisbey - a great voice artist who starred in one of the sketches I wrote for Radio 4's Laurence & Gus: Hearts & Minds last year.)

On the day of recording, Peter had something of a gravelly throat from shoutingalot in the West End's Spamalot. This almost certainly helped him lend the Doctor's voice a nicely raw edge during the Demons sessions. I'm so happy with the results and proud to be a part of such a consistent release, which seems to be going down pretty well with fans. I'm especially prone to punching the air when someone refers to it as "scary" or even "terrifying" - that was very much the intention.

The Demons Of Red Lodge & Other Stories is my first Big Finish release. Will there be more? I don't think I'm breaking any confidences by saying yes. I'm writing two new things right now, for 2011. (Well, not right now. Right now, I'm lounging on a sofa with an iPad and a magically refilling glass of sherry, pootling around on Twitter and stuff. But you get the idea.) This pleases me a great deal - can't wait to tell you about this mad new stuff, hopefully in the first few months of the imminent new year.

I insist that you have the finest feasible Christmas! I'll back to babble about my 2010 and hopefully also list my Top 10 Writers' Apps/Games Of The Year.

Misletoeing you already...

Doctor Who: The Demons Of Red Lodge & Other Stories can be bought as a CD or download from Big Finish Productions here.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad (although I then had to use a netbook to get it just so...)

Sarah Jane Adventures: DWM Interview Extended

Hello, you unthinkably alluring saucebag.

In this month's Doctor Who Magazine, there was a preview of my Sarah Jane Adventures audiobook, Deadly Download, which was released on November 4.  The writer, David Darlington, kindly agreed to let me run the full interview, from which quotes were plucked for the magazine piece.  Here goes...

First up, I believe it's your first Doctor Who-related long fiction to see publication, though you've been hovering round the franchise for a while (including Doctor Who Magazine itself, obviously - you needn't think I'm not going to mention that!)  But you have, I believe, worked in other franchises and in developing your own completely original work... so what's the appeal of 'playing with other peoples toys'...?
"Outside of Whosville, I wrote the Friday The 13th novel Hate-Kill-Repeat for New Line Cinema; worked on a web drama series called Tempting Fates; wrote the short films Ghost Writer and Look At Me; some radio comedy; and, most recently, a supernatural horror feature film called Stormhouse which was shot in England this Summer.
"In Whosville, I’ve written the Fourth Doctor short Christmas Every Day for Short Trips: Christmas Around The World; the forthcoming audio short The Lions Of Trafalgar for an as-yet-undetermined audio Short Trips collection; and the title-story of December’s BF collection The Demons Of Red Lodge & Other Stories.
"So yes, this is indeed my first DW-related long fiction to see publication, which is very exciting. The appeal of playing with other people’s toys depends entirely on the quality of the toys – and in writing a Sarah Jane Adventures story you’re dealing with a proper icon in Sarah Jane herself. So it’s been wonderful to create a brand new story for her and the gang."

Without going into more detail than you need to – what kind of story are we talking here?
"As its title might suggest, Deadly Download concerns an alien attack via the internet. Sarah Jane’s super-computer Mr Smith alerts her to some highly abnormal internet activity on Bannerman Road, plunging the team into a whirlwind of exploding computers and airborne menace! This invasion turns out to have an unexpected connection with the corporate world. While I’d never want to write a preachy ‘Hey kids, don’t do this!’ kind of story, Deadly Download might well have the side-effect of making younger listeners think twice before chatting to strangers online..."

Working within the Sarah Jane brand, presumably the format, the branding and the length presumably all place their ownvery stringent constraints on what you can or can't do in terms of storytelling - has to be short, to be family-friendly etc. Add to that the fact that the series is generally Earth-bound... is it harder, do you think, to devise stories for this format than for, say, Doctor Who itself, where the canvas and the possibilites are both so much broader...?
"Funnily enough, infinite possibilities are the writer’s enemy. When tasked to create a Doctor Who, with no given parameters, a writer is likely to be paralysed by the vast array of choices they face! So Sarah Jane Adventures’ tighter format actually makes it easier to devise stories. The real fun, of course, comes in satisfying the brief and fitting that mould, while hopefully delivering some things that the series hasn’t done before. It’s been nice to write a story with a technological theme, which also touches on how the art of face-to-face human interaction seems to be on the decline."

Knowing that your story will be read by a single reader (and in the likely knowledge that Lis Sladen will probably be the reader) - what impact does that have on the writing and/or the story's development...?
"Elisabeth Sladen’s voice will forever provide a wonderful link to my childhood, when I watched her and Tom Baker in Doctor Who – and then heard them again on the audio cassette recordings which my family made - so it’s a truly surreal experience to write for that voice. It’s a really lovely voice to write for – warm, brave, kind and gutsy all at once."
"I absolutely loved this job, trust me! Given that these audio stories are effectively long shorts, I really wanted Deadly Download to hit the ground running early on, with the threat quickly established. I have quite a short attention span, so I’m always really keen to keep things moving throughout a story – and my fine editor John Ainsworth really drove me to wring the most excitement out of the technological, internet-based mayhem! Besides all of that, there’s something about the Sarah Jane Adventures’ world which is just . It walks that brilliant tightrope between things being cosy and safe, then not safe at all. There’s darkness, but the stories always end up in the light. Such a fun, life-affirming world to get involved with!"


Review of The Sarah Jane Adventures: Deadly Download at Planet Gallifrey here.


Deadly Download can be ordered at Amazon UK here, for a mere £4.47.  Blimey-Christ!

Interviewing Tom Baker

Christ Al-fucking-mighty, I interviewed Tom fucking Baker! At his house, of all places!

Phew. Sorry about that. It's just that, for several weeks, I had to keep that quiet. Suppression is a terrible thing, unless it relates to wind.

So, yes. In June, I went to Tom Baker's home in Sussex, to conduct a big ol' exclusive interview for Doctor Who Magazine (on shelves now, magazine fans). The mag hadn't interviewed him for 12 years - a Baker's dozen, you might say - which simultaneously made the job a true honour and highly-pressurised. It had always been one of my ambitions to meet Tom Baker, let alone interview him, so suddenly I had nerves relating to (a) sharing oxygen with him for a couple of hours; and (b) getting the kind of interview out of him which makes a 12-year wait worthwhile. That's all shades of scary.

If you're a DWM reader, you'll obviously see how it all went and I really hope you enjoy it. Suffice to say, though, that Tom was absolutely lovely and I can only assume that any journalists who find him grumpy or difficult have somehow rubbed him up the wrong way themselves. Thank God Tom Baker wasn't grumpy or difficult - that would almost certainly have tainted the rest of my life. So I'm immensely happy to say that these (for, yes, there will be more than one part of the interview) are my favourite features I've ever written. Which is nice to be able to say, having spent quite a while in journalism, and now only keeping a few toes in that pond.

I'll tell you this: if the 1979 version of me, with the first ever issue of Doctor Who Weekly (which would ultimately became DWM) gripped in his mucky li'l paw, had received a time-travelling visit from me as I am now, telling him that in 30 years, he would interview The Doctor for Doctor Who Magazine... that little kid would've run down the garden, back into the house, reporting to his parents that a weirdy-beardy stranger had been saying stuff to him.

Christopher H Bidmead...

... was Doctor Who's script editor between 1980 and 1981, handling the final year of Tom Baker's tenure. Don't worry - he's still alive. It's just that I've interviewed him for the latest issue of Doctor Who Magazine, hot on the shelves today.

I haven't written for Doctor Who Magazine in the last nine months or thereabouts, because of the need to concentrate on establishing my screenwriting career. Which is a shame, because I love DWM work. So it was a real delight to be able to accept the Bidmead assignment. Season 18, which he presided over, was a really unique gem, and I knew in advance that he was an interesting, outspoken character. Still, the interview he gave surpassed even my expectations. He's a man patently unafraid to offer his straight opinion on any era of Who, including Russell T Davies'. I absolutely loved visiting his home in North London and having a right old healthy debate with this fascinating man who helped shape my childhood Who experience. Didn't agree with half of the stuff he said, but that was part of the fun, because he didn't mind me telling him so.

If people are ever interested in my journalistic endeavours, they'll generally ask for my favourite interviewees - so it's nice to have a recent job to add to the list. Hooray! The DWM feature also includes a comic strip which Bidmead himself designed, featuring the two of us. Yes, I know. Utterly mental.

Naturally, there's loads of fine stuff elsewhere in the issue, including a set report from the imminent Easter Special Planet Of The Dead (screening on BBC One on April 11), an interview with POTD's guest star Michelle Ryan, a review of the latest Attack Of The Cybermen DVD, a Fact Of Fiction feature on Castrovalva (a 1981 story written by Bidmead, funnily enough), and the chance to win a pile of Who DVD boxsets. Get in!

PS Two Splendid sketches were filmed on Tuesday by the unstoppable Dan Turner, Johnny Caution and crew. Two of the blighters, if you please! One written by me, the other by Sarah Morgan. Tremendous.

PPS Went for a drink with TV's James Moran, on that very same night. Here's a little-known fact for Moran fans: when he's out drinking of an evening, he wears a rather tall top-hat (about four-feet from brim to peak). Every once in a while, he takes it off, inverts it and vomits into it, in order to make room for more booze. I've literally never seen the like in all my born days.

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Doctor Who Magazine: The Return

One of the greatest sacrifices I made this year was forsaking Doctor Who Magazine work, in order to concentrate on scripting - with the result that I haven't had any writing in the mag since June. In November, though, I was very pleased to find time to write a Review Of The Year piece for DWM, which is in the festive issue out today.

This may well be my last pre-Christmas blog post. So if I don't shriek to you again beforehand, have the finest Christmas available to humanity! See you on the other side.

Steven Moffat World Exclusive Imminent

My interviews with Steven Moffat for DWM (see last post) were somewhat epic, and inevitably there were wonderful quotes I couldn't squeeze into the articles, for reasons of space. Partly, these were things which were more specific to screenwriting and/or the business.

This weekend, I'll be running 1000 words of world exclusive Moffat on this very blog. Among other things, you'll find out whether he outlines scripts, whether he still pitches and his main advice for budding scribes. So keep checking back, y'hear?

Doctor Who Magazine 397: Bang On Target

I have two features in the new issue of DWM, out today, and am probably happier with them than anything else I've written for the magazine.

The first thing is a sizeable chat with Steven Moffat. I conducted two interviews with the man, six months apart. The first was when his two-parter Silence In The Library and Forest Of The Dead existed only as 20 pages on his PC, and a load of mad stuff in his head. The second was after the episodes had been shot, and were being edited. The result is hopefully a real insight into how something like this comes together, and the hundreds of choices involved along the way.

I've also tried to delve into Moffat's mind and find out what makes him tick as a writer and a person. I know I say this every couple of months, but DWM makes a great read for writers, whether they like Doctor Who or not, because the show itself is so writer-friendly and literally writer-led. If you get to read the interview, I think you'll be surprised by Moffat's insecurities, given that he's generally seen as pretty self-assured. In short: he has much the same insecurities as the rest of us. It's universal. Which is reassuring.

Some sample quotes...

"If I say an idea out loud, it might spoil the magic. If people are underwhelmed, you can lose faith in it."

"There isn't a single script when I'm not at some point sick-makingly terrified of my inability to write it."

"Not killing anyone wasn't a gameplan and it can't continue! I've really got to kill some people!"

I should point out, of course, that Moffat was talking about the fictional realm with that last quote.

My second feature in the mag is all about Turn Left, the episode which aired last Saturday. Because the story is a Sliding Doors-esque affair, all about decisions, I've written the feature in the style of an old Choose Your Own Adventure or Fighting Fantasy gamebook. You are the DWM journalist, visiting the Turn Left set in December 2007, making choices as to how to go about it - which questions to ask who, etc.

It was a total bitch to write. I had to design a large flow chart affair, detailing the various possibilities and paths to follow. And just to make things harder for myself, I decided that I wanted it to consist of a neat, round number of paragraphs - 50 to be precise. Sweet Jesus. But I loved every darn minute of it.

My contributions aside, this is a fine, fine issue. Not least because every copy comes complete with a free Doctor Who Target novel. These beauties are eternally linked to my childhood - just a glance at those brilliantly illustrated covers takes me right back.

Have a gander at these bad boys...


And, indeed, these...


Joy. Sheer joy.

The Fear & Midnight

So here it is, the last day of my seven-month period of being Acting Reviews Editor at heat magazine. Recently, I also completed what will be my last Doctor Who Magazine articles for a while, which will be published in next month's issue 397. The idea is now to script like nobody's business, having been given so much more free time.

Free time which now, of course, seems quite frightening...

I'm gutted to have ended my part-time work at heat, and to be taking a break from Doctor Who Magazine: I 100% love writing for those magazines. But this screenwriting lark takes time. Not to mention sacrifices. And while I'm mindful of Phill Barron's annoyingly sensible ruminations on The Starving Artist - damn that man, and his common sense - sometimes you've just got to bite the bullet.

Hmmm, yes.

As long as that bullet doesn't explode, I'll be fine. And of course, it's very exciting, to have given myself an open road.

But talking of frightening, I today watched Midnight, episode 10 of this Doctor Who season. I'm telling you nothing about it, apart from these adjectives: scary, unnerving, brave, bizarre and brilliant. Doctor Who has never seen anything like it. Neither has the world, come to think of it. If anyone's still thinking that nonsense about Russell T Davies being unable to 'do' dark, then this should change their mind.

And before Midnight, we've got this magnificent Moffat two-parter, starting tomorrow night, which is also all of those adjectives. Happy days.

Doctor Who Magazine 396

Now then, you - put down that sandwich and listen up. The new issue of Doctor Who Magazine is out today, and I have stuff in it. Oh yes. I've written features on The Poison Sky and The Unicorn & The Wasp, as well as previews of the imminent Steven Moffat (he's going to be the new show-runner! tremendous!) gem Silence In The Library/Forest Of The Dead and episode eleven, Turn Left. As ever, the magazine has loads of stuff not written by me, including Russell T Davies' unmissable Production Notes column, a review of The Invasion Of Time's DVD release and the second part of a comic strip featuring the Sycorax. Get in!

Happy Journalism & The Mind Of Moffat

As much I ache to dive headlong into full-on screenwriting, there are times when journalism is really good fun. Times when you can forget all the irritating stuff, like having to transcribe lengthy interviews or deal with PRs who decide they'd really rather like to sit in on your face-to-face interview, because they've got fuck all else to do with themselves.

I've spent the last couple of days honing and editing a lengthy interview with Steven Moffat, which I'm writing on for Doctor Who Magazine. It will chart six months or so of development on his latest two-part Doctor Who story The Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, which will broadcast on May 31 and June 7. It's a fantastic couple of episodes, and Moffat's a compelling conversationalist. You literally learn something from every sentence.

When you tell people you're a journalist, one of the first questions they ask is who your worst ever interviewee has been. I was asked this for a magazine recently, and I was going to say the blind Canadian guitarist Jeff Healey. I interviewed him around 1994, with relatively little experience under my belt. I felt awkward about the fact that he was blind, and the grumpy six-stringer did precious little to make me feel at ease.

I say I was going to give this magazine Jeff Healey as my answer, because I Googled around for "Jeff Healey" and discovered that he'd died a mere two weeks beforehand. So to cite him would have seemed like crowing.

The truth is, the worst interviews are the ones you just forget, because they're dull, dull, dull. To my shame, I've never had an interviewee walk out on me, but if I had, that would probably rank as one of the best. I have, however, had an interviewee jam a knife-blade down between my fingers on a table. Which was quite memorable. That'd be Blaze Bayley of Wolfsbane, before you ask. I also narrowly escaped being thrown into a swimming pool by the assembled members of Suicidal Tendencies, by reminding them that I had our hour-long interview tape in my pocket (weirdly, present-day chick-lit author Louise Bagshawe was their press officer back then, and she did get dunked). Oh, and there were death threats at one point. Ha! Look at me, eh? Still breathing and everything.

Anyway, people's second question is who my favourite interview might be. And I haven't always known what to say. But I suspect that, after finishing this Steven Moffat interview, I might finally have an answer.

Oh My Giddy Aunt!

Last night! Doctor Who! The launch bash for Series Four! Best stop with the exclamation marks now, eh?! Bugger, there was another! And another, etc etc.

It was an ever-so-slightly more selective gathering than usual (clearly my invitation arrived through some clerical error), held in a cinema by Piccadilly Circus. Various key Who production team members were present: directors like James Strong and Colin Teague munched canapes and drank booze along with writers including Gareth Roberts, Steven Moffat, James Moran, Helen Raynor and some tall Welsh fellow named Russell. Oh, and Simon Pegg, who looked like he was in geek heaven.

The first two episodes of the new series were aired back to back, with literally no gap in between. They're both breathtaking, in different ways. The first one, Partners In Crime, is brilliant family entertainment with a blinding, extended visual gag somewhere around the middle, while The Fires Of Pompeii is a visually spectacular historical which equally measures chills and chuckles. Catherine Tate is tremendous in both (David Tennant's a given, in my opinion).

Obviously, I'll let James give his own account of his evening. But I can say it was a delight to watch the man's bewildered little face as the remarkable night progressed around him. I just wish he hadn't held my hand quite so damn hard during his episode. I'm typing this one-handed. Then again, that's nothing new.

After the two episodes, there was a breathtaking trailer for the rest of Series Four (different again from that astounding, bronzed-up, iconic trail with the Keyser Soze ending - which you can see below), which simply comprised of big, thumping, dramatic images of characters who'll return this time around. I won't list these, in case anyone's avoiding spoilers, but no doubt they'll be all over the press today.

A following Q&A saw press types and a few children hurling questions at Russell, David and Catherine - many of which were fruitless attempts to get Russell and David to say how long they were planning to stay on the show, and which were bluntly swatted away. Catherine revealed that she did so much running in Series Four that she abandoned her heels in favour of Marks & Spencer's "foot-gloves", which clearly tickled Russell. He was hooting about them for quite some time afterwards.

The new issue of Doctor Who Magazine is out this Thursday, too. Within its pages, I have written spoiler-free (unless you really don't want to know anything) previews on The Planet of the Ood (episode three) and The Sontaran Strategem/The Poison Sky (episodes four and five). There is also, strangely, a wealth of other fine coverage to enjoy.

Anyway. Doctor Who, then. Starting this Saturday on BBC1 at 6.20pm. Do it.

Weekend At Arnopp's... The King Of Kong

In his editorial piece at the start of this morning's Shooting People Screenwriter's Network bulletin, the right reverend Andy Conway spoke thusly: "It's funny, being a freelancer, you're deprived of the thrill of bank holiday weekends. A friend of mine just called round to collect a mannequin (it's a long story) and asked me what I'd be doing Friday. Er... the same as Thursday: working on a script. I'm a writer. We don't really know the meaning of the word 'holiday'. Or is it just me?"

Nope, Andy, it's not just you. When you're self-employed, Fridays and Mondays off only mean that your e-mail inbox will beep less frequently. For me, this long weekend has been set aside as a much-needed period of intense work. Admittedly, this is partly because I'm going on holiday in two weeks (a proper holiday! remarkable) and need to get some work out of the way.

And it's going great, so far. I'm loving the quiet solitude, and have today finished the first draft of a Doctor Who Magazine feature about imminently returning aliens, the Ood. They take a while, these features, pulling together various elements - notes from that tone meeting you went to about eight months ago, notes from the set visit you made in September, interviews you did at various times. Anyway, it's a big ol' job, so I feel triumphant at today's progress, and am rewarding myself with a glass of Chianti. Okay, the lion's share of a bottle. Where, in a frighteningly real sense, is the harm?

I've even found time, this evening, to watch a brilliant documentary called The King Of Kong. It's about the competitive world of arcade game high scores - specifically, the world record on Donkey Kong. Admittedly, retro video games are among my passions. But this doc is so well put together, and so compelling, that I reckon most people would have fun. It's a battle between the distinctly ego-driven, all-American Billy Mitchell (see picture) and the far more personable underdog Steve Wiebe. Tremendous stuff. Examine the official website.

Love It To Death

The 393rd issue of Doctor Who Magazine is on shop shelves from today, and I've written 15 of its pages. Two of those are a piece about the cover-mounted Big Finish audio CD adventure Cuddlesome, while the others comprise a feature titled Doctor Who's All-Time 100 Greatest Death Scenes. A piece which took me quite some time to put together - especially as it features quotes from the likes of Russell T Davies, Steven Moffat (who I'm interviewing this evening - fantastic), Chris Chibnall, Terrance Dicks, Paul Cornell, Robert Shearman, Gareth Roberts and James Moran. All marvellous stuff, but oh yes, there were moments when I regretted coming up with the whole 100 Deaths concept. Still, the end result is well worth it - I only wish I hadn't written the damn thing, so I could enjoy reading it myself... Also in this issue is an interview with Gareth Roberts and a Fact Of Fiction piece on First Doctor story The Time Meddler. Lovely.

Calm After The Storm

It's all been mad, lately. In a good way. No, make that a great way.

First things first: Look At Me, the short film collaboration between director Dan Turner and I (and of course a top-notch cast and crew) is finished. I've seen it and am really happy. It looks gorgeous in High Definition and I couldn't hope for a better first production credit. We're going to show it to people in a Soho, London screening room soon, which is simultaneously exciting and scary. Mostly exciting.

I've also just handed Dan the second draft of our feature film screenplay ASK (a code-name acronym, as opposed to a biopic about the rise and rise of the popular pizza restaurant chain), which I really feel is heading in the right direction. There'll inevitably be further drafts as we strive for perfection, but hopefully we now have the foundations in place. Oh, and over on his blog, Dan is offering a prize (possibly a Hot Chip album, or maybe just a hot chip) to anyone who can guess what ASK stands for. Naturally, bloggers who I may have told while drunk, are exempt from entering.

The last couple of weeks have also seen me toiling over a colossal feature for Doctor Who Magazine, titled The 100 Greatest Death Scenes of Doctor Who. When I came up with the idea, for some reason my brain didn't quite register how long 100 mini-articles would take to write and compile. But I've loved doing it, and hopefully the end result, in next month's issue, should be entertaining.

Throw in the fact that I'm still Acting Reviews Ed at heat magazine, and the past 14 days have just seemed to be 100% work, literally from start to finish. This weekend, incredibly, I don't seem to have any work to do. Or at least, I've made sure I don't. So it's all gonna be about relaxation and fun stuff. Time to fish a Corona out of the fridge, I'm saying...

Crazy Pencil Action... Busy Busy... Exciting Stuff...

Just sent boxes of pencils to six US movie studio moguls, courtesy of this here blog, with thanks to that port-swilling fool Piers for flagging it up. It's a symbolic type thang, to show them that writers would kinda like to be paid for online content in future. Not much to ask, you'd imagine. It's also amusing to picture their bemused expressions, and frantic calls to assistants to do something about the shedload of pencils in their lobby. It's really easy to do, as the site uses PayPal as their engine. Nice.

Things are mad at present. When I look at my calendar for the rest of the year, it makes my brow furrow. Started as heat's Acting Reviews Editor on Tuesday, which is tremendous fun but lots to get my head around. I'm simultaneously preparing to swoop into the second draft of the feature-length ASK script. Director Dan had very nice things indeed to say about the first draft, which was incredibly encouraging. Now it's just a matter of stepping it up a level. Then another. And, indeed, another.

In other exciting news, Dan showed me rough chunks of the short Look At Me, which was seriously thrilling. I kept getting him to rewind one scene in particular, and especially can't wait to see the finished version of that, with music, grading and all that crazy technical stuff. Not to mention the CGI content (yes, it's got CG and everything!) which will be developed over coming weeks. Marvellous stuff.

In yet more exciting news, I interviewed former Doctor Who Peter Davison this afternoon, for Doctor Who Magazine. That'll be an ambition realised, then. Not only is he the first pre-millennium Doctor I've interviewed, but he and Tom Baker were always 'my' Doctors in the 70s and early 80s. Thankfully, Peter was a lovely, laidback, funny bloke. He was also sporting an incongruous beard, what with still performing in the West End's Spamalot by night. And I didn't call him Doctor once, or indeed ask for a quick spin in the TARDIS. Phew.

Very Special DWM Issue... ASK update... Sharon O Caption Challenge...

The latest issue of Doctor Who Magazine, out now in all good newsagents near you, is a very special piece of work. Not only because it has two of my features in it (the Sarah Jane Adventures cover story, and a piece celebrating robot dog K9's 30th birthday), but because it includes a contribution from a very helpful young man. Lucy's son Alf was kind enough to grant me a quote about how much he likes K9! What a star. He even opens the article, too...

This weekend, I'm feeling relieved. Decided to take a break from the ASK script over the last few days - not that I really had much choice, what with various bits of freelance work and heat mag temping to contend with. Anyway, as I printed out the rough draft last night, I was nervous that I would re-read it and weep. But thankfully, I like it. By the time I've finished with it this week, it will hopefully be a good, solid first draft. Then drafts two, three, six and indeed 27 will turn it into a right ol' diamond.

The highlight of this week was undoubtedly hanging around with Sharon Osbourne, backstage at Parkinson. By popular demand (well, Piers demanded it, and he's popular), here's a pic of me and Mrs O, walking down some stairs. If anyone would like to come up with a caption, or indeed try to guess the number of chins I have on display, then go right ahead...

FrightFest & Doctor Who Magazine Are Here

FrightFest, the annual London horror-and-fantasy-and-stuff festival, kicks off tonight in Leicester Square and continues over the whole Bank Holiday weekend. It's always a fine event, run with character and a sense of humour. As with last year, I can't seem to face an entire weekend of films any more (these days, there's always the nagging feeling that I should be at home, writing my own), but will be dipping in and out, catching the likes of P2, All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, Wrong Turn 2 (yes, I liked the original) and Disturbia.

Perhaps the finest testament to FrightFest's appeal is this: James Moran likes it so much, he's ensured that he's finished all his work by today. No mean feat, given Moran's usual resemblance to an octopus with a medical condition which makes each of its tentacles divide into eight more tentacles.

The new Doctor Who Magazine is out today, and features no less than two features of mine. There's a nice chat with the show's production designer Edward Thomas (who says, "The day Doctor Who goes High Def, that'll be the day you see me running off along the road, screaming") and a bit of fly-on-the-wall action about the day Barry Newbery visited Who's Upper Boat Studios. Barry was the show's designer across no less than three decades, serving on its very first story, An Unearthly Child, in 1963. That was a remarkable day, watching the great man - now a nimble 80 years old - being led around the TARDIS and Torchwood sets by a gleefully hooting Russell T Davies.

You know, I like to think that in 40-odd years' time, I'll be invited back to Who Studios to see how they're making it in 2050, in recognition of my vast contributions to the show. I'll nod and gasp as I'm shown the updated neuro-digital designs for my vintage 2014 creations, the Blargg, which will now be able to appear directly in front of viewers' retinas, frightening the merry Christ out of them.

Social Flurry

Yesterday was quite the day for fraternizing. In fact, this entire week has been gloriously insane and I'm now quite ready to sink into the weekend... for some hardcore scriptwriting.

I spent the day working at heat magazine, which is a pleasure in itself. Even though I'm generally allergic to office toil, this place makes temping a dream, with a relaxed atmosphere and absolutely lovely folk. And yes, I'd say the same if we were sitting in a pub. As I hope we will, sometime soon.

I went out for lunch with Doctor Who/Torchwood/Severance scribbler James Moran. Wasn't entirely sure about the way he continually touched me, under the cafe table. Still, I figured this is the way it works, if writers like myself are to get on in the business and "keep in with the big boys" as Moran put it, with a salacious gleam in his eye. Ho ho, just a bit of hilarious fun there - it was a splendid hour of banter, free of sexual politics, which flashed by like it was 10 minutes.

After work, I went over to the Fitzroy Tavern, which has an informal Doctor Who-related gathering on the first Thursday of every month. While it's a great event, I was mainly there to collar The Empty Child/Girl In The Fireplace/Blink writer Steven Moffat, walk with the great man to a nearby quieter pub and interview him. It's for a Doctor Who Magazine feature which I came up with, partly for selfish reasons, as it will give readers an insight into how he operates as a writer. Very exciting stuff, even if it won't be published until something like May 2008, what with featuring Top Secret Stuff.

After that, I went to the Curzon Soho Cinema. A group of film-making folk gather in its pleasant bar on the first Thursday of every month, under the collective banner of The Development Pool, for wine, networking and script-development chat. Met a couple of new people and a few familiar faces, including the Nice Producer I mentioned a few posts ago. Despite him having been a few sheets to the wind when I first met him, it seems he really is keen to discuss me writing a 90-second short which he will then make. So we're meeting again next week. Fingers crossed.

Yes, that was a good day for hob-nobbing. I shall leave you with an unrelated quote from Wall To Wall's chief exec Alex Graham. I found it in my notebook from Stella Network's Pitch Up event...

"It's almost impossible to get one-off dramas made on television. The companies toss them out like doggie treats to their favourite writers."

Looks like we'd better set about becoming companies' favourite writers then, folks...

Doctor Who Mag #385, Power Of Three, Apostrophes & the Best Antiseptic Cream Ever

Doctor Who Magazine smashed headlong into UK shelves today. It features my eight-page article on the special effects of Series Three's last three episodes, collectively known as The Master Trilogy. There's also a bit of brief Episode 13 on-set reportage from me. Buy it at once! As I've said before, I swear it'll be of interest, even if you're not especially into the series, thanks to its wealth of information about how TV shows are made.

The first round of Power Of Three is complete: I started to make changes before the third response came back, partly because of the Red Planet Prize's September 1 deadline and partly because I'm impatient. But as usual, each and every person has delivered vital information/questions about the script. As well as consensus on some weak points (one scene on a bus is so destined for the cutting-room floor, for instance), there also seems to be a consensus that the central story idea is strong, which is encouraging.

Lucy ran an interesting piece today about writers who are offended and/or disheartened by frank PO3 critiques. To partly repeat my comment on her post, we surely need to have thicker skins than that. A PO3 person's critique is either right (and therefore useful) or wrong (and therefore well-intentioned, but ultimately irrelevant if you disagree). The only irritation I've felt after a PO3 round has been with myself, for not seeing the flaws which others have had the objectivity to point out. But when you're chipping away at the coalface, you can't see the wood for the trees (God knows what a wood's doing in this mine), and therein lies the joy of PO3.

I've had nothing but good experiences with the system so far. One PO3 helper critiqued a script of mine to high heaven, to the extent that they subsequently wrote again to apologise, having re-read their own blunt missive! It didn't offend me in the slightest, though, because they were giving me great feedback. So for what it's worth, I'd say this: forget the way in which the feedback's phrased or couched, and concentrate on drawing the maximum value from the feedback itself. That's the whole point. Besides, no-one agrees to be a PO3 helper in order to belittle or upset you, unless they're seriously in need of a life! And if their feedback carries a slightly weary tone - almost a creeping resentment at having agreed to read your work and being disappointed by its quality - then maybe that's just your fault. Accept it. Improve that script. The next draft will inevitably be better.

God Almighty: apostrophes. I'm not sure what's going on out there in the world: maybe a whole generation of people who couldn't be bothered to learn about apostrophe useage has recently spilled out into positions of copywriting power. I'm no grammatical god, but it really seems that so many people see a word ending in 's' and think, "Blimey, I'd best stick an apostrophe in there". I've noticed incorrect apostrophes and general typos all over the place lately, from fairground signs to newspaper articles to antiseptic cream packaging (more about this brilliant cream in a minute). I even saw a ludicrous typo on a BBC One between-programmes page: the word 'subtitles' being spelt 'sutitles'. Whats' going on? And yes, that was a deliberate misuse of an apostrophe.

Right, then. What's so great about this antiseptic cream, produced by Galpharm Medical? Well, in truth it's not the cream itself, but the packaging. For a start, there's a textbook apostrophe fuck-up in the shape of this:

Help's to prevent infection.

But best of all, here's a snippet from the instructions:

Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain and surrounding membranes...

Call me picky, but if your brain's exposed, then antiseptic cream is probably a bolted horse/locked stable door interface. Hmmm?